Zombie World is different from our world. In zombie world there are dead people. Dead bodies with dead brains, dead thoughts, and dead dreams. And yet they walk around as if they were living; as if they had a purpose in existing. They are an absurd group. A walking contradiction. A glitch of the natural world. And yet, they go on being zombies as if it was the most natural thing in the world, wholly ignorant of their condition.

In Zombie World, there are families, societal roles, and laws, only they’re far less sophisticated than our own. Their personal lives are mainly guided by feelings and instinctual urges, as are their occupations and laws. They seem to lack any reason, and yet they don’t seem to be bothered by this. On the contrary, the prospect of having to reason appears to make them frustrated and angry, and so in Zombie World, emotions reign supreme.

Zombie World, unlike our own, also seems to thrive on violence against all living things – especially organisms with brains. However, despite the popular belief about zombies and brains, it isn’t the brain that zombies crave. In fact, they really don’t crave them at all, and they don’t eat them because they like particularly like the taste. Rather, zombies eat brains because they fear them the most, and eating them is the only way to adequately express this primal fear. Zombies, unlike humans, prefer to eat away their problems.

However, what zombies really crave is flesh and blood – preferably from organisms that are capable of moving and experiencing pain. In fact, zombies love flesh and blood so much that they will wander the woods and fields in hordes for days, relentlessly tracking their prey with something like echo-location, for they seem to enjoy the hunt almost as much as the reward it brings. They will scour the trees, the bushes, and the streams just for a taste of succulent meat. Zombies, as you know, aren’t particularly picky when it comes to flesh, as they will eat rabbits, squirrels, fish, birds, and on special occasions, pigs and cows.

Of course the strange irony of the zombie love for flesh-eating is that they don’t need to consume flesh at all, for it does not serve any known survival purpose. After all, the zombies are all quite dead. Instead, they crave the flesh of living beings – especially the heart – not only because it tastes good, but because it gives them a feeling of remembering something – not true remembering because they don’t have brains, but a feeling of something they lost long ago.

Stranger still, the zombies also have a love for torture that is second only to their love for flesh. In fact, they are known to capture, cage, and torture animals before finally killing them. If heir captured prey is small, they will fit as many as they possibly can, and if they prey is too big they will try to force it in, often mangling an injuring the animal in the process.

While experts in the past believed that this love of torture was due to the zombies’ own inability to recognize or understand the pain of other conscious creatures, new research suggests that zombies do feel pain of a certain kind, although it is quite diminished compared to that of the living.

Unsurprisingly, among the older populations of zombies it was actually much more common for them to kill and eat the animal then and there, thus foregoing the torture phase and getting down to business. However, scholars are now noticing a strange new trend in Zombie World of seasoning one’s prey first before taking large bites. This new evidence seems to indicate that their taste buds, even after death, somehow still remain functional.

Some zombie colonies have even been witnessed placing animals in large pots and boiling them alive while others have taken to a peculiar method whereby they will hang their prey upside down, kicking and screaming, before slitting their throats and collecting the blood to make marinades or soups. Others have also taken to grilling their victims over hot logs or draining their insides before leaving them to dry for several days in the sun.

Fashion also appears to be a growing trend in Zombie World as well. Where zombies were once contented to hobble down streets half-clothed and tinged with grime, they are beginning to take a keen interest in fabrics, which they crudely sew together with the bones and the skins of animals they have tortured, since their zombie jaws are unable to properly chew them.

To mortal eyes, their ways might seem barbaric, inhumane, and chaotic, but I do believe there is some kind of underlying humanizing force that binds them together, even if research has not yet found the answer. At any rate, I believe our inquiry into the behavior and culture of zombies has the power to give us valuable insight into our own race, although it’s clear we have evolved so far beyond the brainless urges and blind pursuits of pleasure that characterize so much of zombie society.


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